A breeze off the lake–petal shaped
Luna park effects avoid the teasing outline
Of where we would be if we were here.
Bombed out of our minds, I think
The way here is too close, too packed
With surges of feeling. It can’t be.
The wipeout occurs first at the center,
Now around the edges. A big ugly one
With braces kicking the shit out of a smaller one
Who reaches for a platinum axe stamped excalibur:
Just jungles really. The daytime bars are
Packed but night has more meaning
In the pockets and side vents. I feel as though
Somebody had just brought me an equation.
I say, “I can’t answer this–I know
That it’s true, please believe me,
I can see the proof, lofty, invisible
In the sky far above the striped awnings. I just see
That I want it to go on, without
Anybody’s getting hurt, and for the shuffling
To resume between me and my side of night.”

“Foreboding” by John Ashbery

For me writing has always felt like praying, even when I wasn’t writing prayers, as I was often enough. You feel that you are with someone. I feel I am with you now, whatever that can mean … but how deeply I regret any sadness you have suffered and how grateful I am in anticipation of any good you have enjoyed. That is to say, I pray for you. And there’s intimacy in it. That’s the truth.

-from Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

I decided to read 50 Shades of Grey to see what all the fuss is about. As I write this post I am confronted with quite the first-world-blogging-about-inconsequential-opinions dilemma: I like to hold rare and special views, and so many people hate this book, and so many people love this book… how am I supposed to say anything different now??? Solution: I landed somewhere in-between. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it.

(a few disclaimers  I didn’t actually finish it. I made it about halfway through. So whatever I say needs to be tempered by that fact. It’s possible some of these thoughts might have been changed if I’d finished. And, as tempting as it is for me to make Twilight comparisons, since the book was originally written as Twilight fanfiction, I’m still going to refrain from any sort of in-depth Twilight analysis since I’ve never read Twilight and only have a pretty basic understanding of it.)

Things I liked about it, or at least, didn’t dislike

-There are definitely objectively hot moments. Who wouldn’t like to be thrown against an elevator wall because your partner can’t contain his/her longing for you? I liked how Christian wanted Ana to make eye contact with him even when she was too shy (before those contract stipulations or whatever). I liked Christian’s willingness to articulate his sexuality–I think too often people want to see sex as something organic or natural and thus don’t ever put things into words, even with their partner, which seems so dumb to me.

-I am generally defensive of things that lots of women like that lots of men mock. Like the romance novel genre. I know a lot of people were saying this book is sexist, and I do think it was, which I’ll get to in a moment, but there are dominant/controlling/forceful men in so many stories by men too (especially mainstream pornography) so if you’re going to call this book out for that shit, you need to put it in a larger context.

-The writing was bad, but… it’s like when you go into a room with a bad smell, if you spend enough time in the room your senses get dulled and you don’t notice the smell any more.

Things I disliked:

-ughhh, in the 100 pages I read, Christian must have told Ana how hot it was that she bit her lip at least 6 times. And almost evey time in response she “gasped.”

-Ana’s character was boring, and flat. What did she want in life, besides to touch Christian’s unruly hair? And why was Christian even all that attracted to her in the first place? And did Ana have any flaws? Besides being a naive self-righteous brat (which I think was not intentional characterization)?

-This is an obnoxious English major nitpick, but Ana goes through her favorite literary heroine’s probable responses to Christian’s shocking sexual preferences, she thinks Jane Eyre would have been scared. JANE EYRE WOULD HAVE BEEN SCARED OF CHRISTIAN GREY. Are you kidding me?

-Another nitpick: Ana apparently has a really prude-ish and kind of mean “subconscious” who is always talking to her and saying negative things to stop her from doing things with Christian. That is not a subconscious! It’s, like, the opposite of the subconscious! Maybe the super-ego…

-In general I think whatever two consenting adults want to do in the bedroom is fine. Since Ana’s and Christian’s dynamics were not bedroom-only, but he wanted to control her whole life, the issue gets more complicated. I think just because something is “consented” to does not mean it exists in a vacuum where sexism can never play a part. These power dynamics between men and women are politically charged. I do think our society sends many messages to women that they should obey men. That said, I think it’s more appropriate to think about the messages, as opposed to criticizing women’s choices.

There is one idea that seems worth thinking more about. I read Dan Savage’s commentary where he says mass audiences can’t enjoy stories about non-normative sex unless that kind of sex is also being condemned–so the story is safer to us, contained. And that’s why he thinks 50 Shades of Grey took off.

I think there is some truth to that, and it’s one of the responses to the book that rings the most true to me. But I would say there is more going on… which is that when we read about, or experience, anything that is scary, repellent, or “wrong”–it’s part of the wrongness in itself that appeals to us.

You see this in both Ana’s and Christian’s desire for one another. Christian hates that Ana isn’t as naturally compliant as he wants, but whenever she stands up to him it just makes him want her more. And as much as Ana insists she’d rather Christian was just a “normal” guy, his mystery and fucked-up-ness and unusual preferences are hot to her, as much as they confuse and upset her.

I’m saying in this book, maybe (probably) accidentally, it isn’t desire in spite of challenges, it’s desire for challenges. We ride roller-coasters BECAUSE they terrify us; we don’t ride roller-coasters because we find heights pleasant and merely try our best to forget how terrified we are. A very smart friend of mine calls this the “attraction/repulsion” factor–we are drawn to some things because they repel us.

I’m not suggesting this is the reason every single person liked 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve heard different theories, such as the appeal of “changing” or healing someone you love, or that some people legitimately have never thought much before about different kinds of sex (or have) and find light bondage or whatever really sexy.

But there is something about the struggle to understand wanting something “bad” that strikes me as interesting, and human. And hey, might explain our national obsession with loving to hate 50 Shades of Grey… amiright

Finally, if you are looking for a more artfully crafted narrative about prescribed, gendered power dynamics in heterosexual sex and romantic relationships, I recommend the movie Secretary. It’s more honest, more nuanced, and the characters seem like real people. It’s less of a fantasy, though, and there is something very naked about it that is uncomfortable in a way 50 Shades is not.

Following in the footsteps of Looks & Books, a simple but important blog prompt: my top ten favorite books (in no particular order)

1) The Terrible Girls by Rebecca Brown

2) To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

3) The Emerald City of Las Vegas by Diane Wakoski

4) Disappearing Ingenue: The Misadventures of Eleanor Stoddard by Melissa Pritchard

5) Every Day Gets Closer by Irvin Yalom

6) Sita by Kate Millet

7) Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg

8) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

9) The Passion by Jeanette Winterson

10) (and a brand-new favorite) Wild by Cheryl Strayed